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Last week I wrote a post about the “smaller” betrayals that also impact us physically/mentally/emotionally. Here’s the list again and this time, I’m including the thoughts and feelings they ignite, as well as how they affect our health, business and relationships.

The: “I didn’t see that coming” betrayal
Shock-When we’re shocked, we ignite the stress response which sets us up to either fight, flight or freeze. Shock prevents our bodies from getting the blood and oxygen we need; compromising tissues, organs, systems and overall health.

The: “micro” betrayal
Otherwise known as “death by a thousand cuts.” These smaller yet consistent betrayals chip away at our ability to trust and create confusion. We may feel safe and secure after a time within the relationship yet when a person continually demonstrates ways they’re not trustworthy, our ability to trust them is slowly and steadily decreased. When trust is questionable, it’s easy to begin questioning the trust of others as well.

The: “Don’t worry about it” betrayal
The sense of ease we’re supposed to feel when we’re told things are under control, we’re in good hands or there’s nothing to worry about, is supposed to give us a sense of safety. Safety is a basic need and if we believed we were safe with someone based on their words, and learn that their actions don’t match, it’s confusing, upsetting and impacts our sense of securirty.

The: “It’s no big deal” betrayal
No big deal to who? When someone minimizes something they’ve said or done in an attempt to have you minimize it too we don’t feel heard or respected. If we call them on it and they get defensive, now we can be angry, frustrated and feel invalidated too.

The: “I thought I was a part of the group-why did they exclude me?” betrayal
This one just hurts. It’s a basic need to feel part of the group and to be excluded feels like we’ve been excommunicated from our tribe. Sure there can be reasons and it’s perfectly ok for friends to get together without us. Still, most of us prefer to be asked so it can be up to us if we decline an invitation.

The: “Why are they using my info and not giving me credit?” betrayal
If we’ve worked hard on something then someone claims it as there’s, we feel violated. Unfortunately, this is so common especially if our information is available to the public. It’s personally happened to me many times-someone once even told a story of something that happened to me…as if it happened to them! This one creates anger and confusion as we question how to protect our material while still wanting to share it freely.

The: “I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again and I just did…WTH is wrong with me?!” betrayal
This is an example of self-betrayal. We can get so upset with ourselves when we know we’re doing things that are clearly not in our best interest. Discouraged, upset, frustrated-these feelings can be put to rest a bit if we realize we may just needed to do that a few more times to be upset enough to begin making different decisions going forward.

The: “I’m up for that promotion-how could I NOT get it?!” betrayal
When we’ve worked tirelessly to show how efficient, proficient, competent and capable we are, then don’t get that promotion we’d been expecting, we can become enraged and furtious. For sure this translates to replaying the experience, what we wanted to say but didn’t, why it happened and more…only to keep the anger alive. Replaying those toxic thoughts endlessly only hurt us because over time, they create stress related symptoms and illness.

The: “I thought this product was good for me, it has THAT in it?!” betrayal
When we feel “duped” by a company, it’s infuriating. One study found that people are willing to incur a greater risk from a product in order to avoid the possibility of being betrayed (Koehler and Gershoff, 2003). There’s even something called the “love becomes hate effect” when customers feel duped by a company or product they originally grew to love and trust, then later learn the company wasn’t acting in the consumer’s best interest.

The: “I’ve been saving and now it’s time to use that money…Wait, where did that money go?!” betrayal
Shock leading to intense anger and fear. What if that money was to pay for a child’s college tuition, to pay off debt, or to make that investment in yourself so you can finally leave that dead end job and have a little security to start that business you’ve been dreaming of? These emotions all mixed together create a toxic and very destructive mental, emotional and physical scenario to work through.

The: “I’ve put myself last and now it’s my turn…then it isn’t” betrayal
Resentment, bitterness, anger. These are some of the most dangerous emotions we have as they continually flood the body with stress hormones which wreak havoc on our bodies and create: sleep issues, digestive issues, weight changes, anxiety, diabetes, headaches, immune issues and so much more.

The: “I’ve done everything to be healthy…how could I have this disease/condition?!” betrayal
Here we can feel as if our bodies are betraying us. We can be discouraged and feel a sense of hopelessness because of the effort we’ve put in to be healthy, mixed with a sense of unfairness, anger and resentment for how hard we’ve tried; “Why was I bothering to eat organic, do those detoxes and give up on foods I love, it obviously didn’t make a difference!” Another look at this could be that without all of your efforts, the results could have been a lot worse so your efforts didn’t go unnoticed.

The: “I’ve been such a great friend and now I’m struggling…where are my friends?” betrayal
This is a painful wake-up call that many of us have received. While it can initially lead to anger, disappointment and hurt, it often leads to realizing that we’ve outgrown our friends while also realizing it’s in our best interest to readjust our expectations. Should we expect to be treated well? Of course but your friends may be doing all they can from their current place of awareness.

The: “I’m happy to give/support/be compassionate…how could they take advantage of me like that?!” betrayal
Take confusion and mix it with anger, disappointment, sadness and more. This is often one of those “hard lessons learned” as we pick up the pieces and reevaluate the experience, the relationship and if we may have missed some signs along the way. This also affects our ability to trust as we’re not as willing to put ourselves in that same position again. Unfortunately, while this means we’re planning on “keeping out the bad guys” we’re keeping out the good guys too.

The: “How come the minute I made my purchase, I couldn’t get a hold of them anymore?” betrayal
Another one of those consumer betrayals leading to mistrust and anger. Hopefully it’s just a tech glitch and a response is on the way but if not, it definitely impacts how you look at the company and purchasing decisions you’ll make going forward…especially with them.

The: “Why didn’t they tell me about all of those extra, hidden costs?” betrayal
It’s easy to get angry and feel taken advantage of here although there is the potential that there was a misunderstanding or miscommunication. Having said that, if it was an omission to get you to sign, purchase, invest then have to pay more than you were told, anger is a normal and justified response…although that anger hurts you and your body more than them.

The: “Why didn’t my doctor warn me that this drug is addictive?” betrayal
I’m going to approach this one very delicately because there are many ways to look at it. Personally, I’ve seen this realization lead to frustration, hopelessness, a sense of helplessness, confusion in who can be trusted and fear around what to do next. All of those emotions chip away at confidence and our ability to trust as they also chip away at our health.

The: “I spent the last few years training this person, how could they take my info/clients and leave?” betrayal
We can feel frustrated, taken advantage of, disrespected, blindsided while also feeling fearful around what these actions will lead to. Will the loss of info/clients greatly impact our business? What is he/she telling everyone about this sudden change? It’s also common to want to retaliate which never lead to anything positive.

The: “I’ve been doing business with them for years, why didn’t they tell me about this change?” betrayal
We’d given our loyalty and expected it back…only to learn that it was a one sided-relationship. Were the companies reasons justifiable to you? Have they explained the change in a way that you can understand? If not, it’s easy to be angry and disappointed as we learn a new truth.

The: “If we’re supposed to be equals, why aren’t we being treated equally?” betrayal
A great sense of injustice and unfairness can drown the body and mind in a sea of stress induced hormones and chemicals. Bitterness, resentment and fury are common as we try to convince, persuade, prove and otherwise exhaust ourselves about something that feels so obvious to us. We’ve all heard it-we can only change ourselves so if you’re wasting your time on this one (been there, done that) it may be in your best interest to surround yourself with like-minded people who share your values.

I can go on and on. They’re impacting how you look, feel, live and perform and after having over 6,000 people take the Post Betrayal Syndrome quiz, the proof is clear. Time may heal lots of wounds, but when it comes to ANY type of betrayal, time eases it, but doesn’t heal it. They all hurt, they all need healing. Have you experienced any of these or any I haven’t mentioned? Let me know!

Dr. Debi

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